Drowsy But Awake: What To Do When It Isn’t Working
Teaching your infant to go to sleep after being put down drowsy but awake can be the key to unlocking longer naps, longer stretches of sleep at night, and ultimately full nights of sleep.
In this previous Drowsy But Awake post I wrote about what it means to put your little one down drowsy but awake, when you should start focusing on it, and how best to get started. Recently, however, I’ve been hearing from some moms who say putting their little one down in the crib drowsy but awake just isn’t working. Today I want to do some Drowsy But Awake troubleshooting.
If your little one is struggling with being put down drowsy but awake, I want you to answer these questions:
- Is your little one 12 weeks or older?
- Is it possible your little one is actually almost asleep when you put them down?
- Does your little one act startled or surprised when you put them down?
- Does your little one go from nearly asleep/drowsy to super alert the second they hit the mattress?
If you answered yes to a couple of those questions, it could mean you’re putting your babe down a little too drowsy and it’s time to work on putting your little one down in the crib “relaxed” rather than “drowsy.” Think Relaxed And Awake.
Pretty darn drowsy works very well for the 6-12 week olds, and for many babies it can continue to work well beyond 12 weeks. If, however, it’s just not working or it was going well, but now your little one is older than 12 weeks and it’s suddenly not, it’s time to start putting you baby down in the crib when they are a bit more alert.
Why Would Relaxed Be Better Than Drowsy?
If you’re putting your little one in the crib too drowsy, they may actually be in an in-between state of being awake and being asleep. Have you ever started to doze off with the TV on and you start to drift into a dream, but you’re still hearing the words being said on the TV? That’s the in-between state I’m referring to. If you’re in that in-between state and something suddenly wakes you out of that state, it can feel jarring and you’ll suddenly be very alert. That may be what your little one is experiencing when they are comfy in your arms, drifting off to sleep and then… boom… they are brought back to an alert state as you put them down.
How Do I Put My Baby Down Relaxed And Awake?
Go through your bedtime or nap routine to help your little one wind down and relax, sing your sleep song (click here to read why I want you to incorporate a song), and then put your little one in the crib. You want to be putting them down when they are relaxed, but not even close to falling asleep.
If you’re just getting started (or starting again), remember to stay relaxed during this routine and have a soft smile on your face. Don’t feel like you need to run out of the room. Go ahead and hang out next to the crib as your little one learns that they can wind down and close their eyes while laying in their crib.
Remember, practice and patience is a must if you’re trying to help your baby learn (or relearn) a new skill.
This is fantastic but I can’t put my baby if 5 months down awake for the last feed before bedtime because her bottle sends her sleep and she falls deeper asleep on me as I wind her but can do this throughout daytime feeds!
Hi Debbie! I think starting with the daytime feeds is a good start. If she’s falling quickly during the last feed before bed, you could try giving the bottle to her a bit earlier when she isn’t so tired. Keeping inching earlier until you find the sweet spot time. I hope that helps!
This is helpful as I think my baby is overtired by her bedtime too. Regarding your suggestion to give the last bottle before bed slightly earlier when baby isn’t so tired, by doing so do I need to switch all other feeds (the feed before the last feed before bed) earlier by the same amount then? We have been feeding baby every 3 hours (2 months old). If feeding baby’s last feed before bed earlier, then there will be less than 3 hours between baby’s last 2 feeds. Thanks
This is a great question, Angela! I love that your little one is on a 3 hour feeding schedule! I wouldn’t change everything else up. That window between the last two feedings may just be less than 3 hours. Hope that helps!
If they cry during this for me to get her out what do I do? Thanks
Try to comfort her while she’s still in the crib. Shushing her and lightly rocking her with your hand on her chest while she’s in the crib. If that doesn’t work, pick her up, calm her down to a relaxed state and try again 🙂 Just try a few times and then take a break from forcing the issue.
Hi Allison!
When you say ‘taking a break’ do you mean just do whatever normally works and try again tomorrow? Or like distract them for a while and try again in 10-20 mins.
We’ve been trying to put our 3mth old baby down ‘relaxed but awake’ but as soon as he hits the mattress he cries loudly and doesn’t wind down. We try about 5-6 times and it doesn’t seem to get better… do we just keep persevering?
Hi Shaun! Yes, that’s what I mean by taking a break 🙂 Play with your wake window to see if that helps – shorting is often better when you get immediate crying when put down.
Hi Alison – I have a 14 week old who has been rocked to sleep as a newborn. They start to get upset even when the swaddle us being put in and scream when I try drowsy but awake after less rocking. Put downs are a nightmare. Naps are 45 minutes and night wakes are down to every 3 hours. Can you help?
Hi there! Ugh, I’m sorry your little one is resisting independent sleep so much. I’d be happy to help you! You can learn about how you can work with me (or one of the coaches on my team) here: https://sleepandwellnesscoach.com/packages/
Hang in there… things will get better!
– Allison
I have a 12 week old I wish I knew about this when she was just born. Feeling extremely behind as I’m just starting out. Currently she falls asleep feeding, it’s such a hard habit to break.
Don’t be discouraged – you can absolutely start working on breaking the feed to sleep association now. Start the routine a bit earlier to see if it’s easier to keep her awake and then put her down relaxed and awake. Start by trying for the first nap of the day. You got this 🙂
I put my 5 week old down in his crib or swing and he’s very calm, but it can take him longer than 45 mins to fall asleep. I feel like that is actually more harmful than helpful! Should I be picking him up and trying to get him drowsier before trying again?
That’s great that he’ll fall asleep on his own! If it’s taking him awhile, put him down a bit sooner so you don’t start to worry about him getting overtired. No need to get him drowsier if he isn’t getting upset…. sounds like he/you are doing great and he’s getting some good sleep skills early 🙂
LO is 5.5 months old. Rocked her to an asleep state every nap and bedtime since she’s been born. We are now trying drowse but awake (clearly doing it wrong after reading this post). How long do you let baby fuss and squawk before picking them up and scraping the whole thing? I have tried sush patting, holding my hand on her tummy, sitting next to the crib, sitting in the corner of the room.
Feeling so lost/discouraged and behind
Hi Sara! If you’re meeting a lot of resistance you might want to consider adjusting the timing of her sleep. Putting them down at times when they have a natural strong pull to sleep can be hugely helpful. At her age you want to be very consistent and always put her down awake and then see it through until she falls asleep. You might need to pick a sleep training method. Almost any method can work if you’re consistent. Don’t give up – you can do this! 🙂
Hi,
This article is really useful! All other guidance I’ve read about “drowsy but awake” was so vague. Thank you!
My little one is almost 4 months we follow a consistent sleep routine and I put her down as soon as I see sleepy signs. But when I put her down relaxed and awake she doesn’t ever go to sleep, she just gets steadily more lively until eventually she’ll start fussing and finally crying. But that process can take 40 minutes!
I have only ever been able to get her to go to sleep if I put her down practically asleep! Which it sounds like isn’t what I’m meant to be doing at all What am I doing wrong?
Many thanks,
Lauren
Hi Lauren!
Sometimes what you’re describing can happen if the wake period is a little too long. I’m not sure how long your little one is awake before you put her down for the nap, but trying putting her down 15-20 min sooner and see if that helps 🙂
Allison
Hi Allison,
Thanks for your advice. At the moment I’m already putting my baby down 45mins to an hour after she wakes as this is when she shows sleepy signs. She’s almost 4 months old so I felt this was already quite early. Do you think it’s still worth trying even earlier?
Many thanks!!
Lauren
Thanks for this advice, as I have found everything on “drowsy but awake” to be super vague. We have a 16 week old and find that putting him down relaxed, or even drowsy, rarely results in him falling asleep on his own as he eventually will fuss then cry. This goes for naps and night time sleep. Do we leave him, and if so, for how long? Pick him up and start all over again?
As they approach 4 months the timing of sleep can play a big role in how easily they fall asleep. You want to put him down when he has the strongest sleep waves or a strong pull to sleep. If you feel good about his schedule I think you can leave him to fuss for a couple of minutes, go in to pick him up and calm him and then put him back down again. You can keep repeating that process of going back in until he gets the hang of falling asleep on his own. Hope that helps!
Great article. Thanks. Currently, my 4mo is only napping 30 minutes at a time. I am working on the “relaxed/drowsy but awake.” He is still only sleeping 30 minutes. He is tired and cranky all day long. How long should it take doing this method before I see lengthening naps? When he wakes at 30 minutes, do I go in and try to get him back to sleep or let him grunt for awhile?
Timing of sleep can help lengthen naps – you want to try to find his ideal sleep wave windows. For example, 8:30/9am, 11:30am/12pm, 3/3:30pm start times. Crib hour is another helpful tool to extending naps. Keep working on putting him down awake 🙂
My 8 month old has been nursed and rocked / held to sleep. Now the min I try to put him down he starts crying. Before I could simple rock the bassinet until he drifts back to sleep. Now that hes out of bassinet and in bottom of paknplay I cant rock it the same way so he starts crying histaricle. I’ve just started trying to let him cry it out for a little bit but everytime hes on his tummy wide awake and I have to start process all over again.
Mommy didnt get any sleep last night. Trying and trying to put him down and when I pick him up he falls asleep on my shoulder.
Please help me im getting so desperate
Hi Jo! I’m sorry to hear your little guy’s sleep has crumbled a bit. He would really benefit from not being nursed/rocked to sleep so that everything is the same that he remembers it when he wakes during the night. This might mean you need to do a little “sleep training” to help him figure that out. The timing of sleep, particularly using an early bedtime can also really help. If you’re interested in a sleep consult, we can connect on a get acquainted call and you can share a bit more detail and I can share how my services work. Hang in there, mama! https://app.acuityscheduling.com/schedule.php?owner=12474909&appointmentType=1533912
Hi, thanks, this is very helpful. But, I have tried to put my 4 months old son down relaxed but awake. He wouldn’t fall asleep but starts crying after a while. I would pick him up and calm him and put him down again. But the more often I do this the more he cries. And in the end he is so overtired that he doesn’t fall asleep at all. This whole procedure takes about 2 hours after I give up and do whatever works for him, sometimes nothing works. What can I do? Thanks again, Laura
Hi Laura! I am a big fan of the pick up put down method, but for some little ones all the of the physical contact can actually be stimulating rather than soothing. It’s possible he might benefit from an approach that is a bit more hands off. If you’re interested in learning more about my coaching services where I help parents decide on the best plan to improve their little one’s sleep, feel free to schedule a free 15 minute get acquainted call and I can tell you a bit more about my services: https://sleepandwellnesscoach.com/packages/
Is 4 weeks too young? He really fights being put down awake sometimes. It’s frustrating for both of us.
Hi Becky! Congrats on your new little guy! I wouldn’t say that 4 weeks is too young, but I also wouldn’t stress out if he’s struggling with being put down awake. You could start by trying to have him fall asleep out of your arms – in a bouncy seat or on a boppy pillow for example. You want to be right there so he can see you and you can supervise this sort of sleep, but sometimes the first step is just helping him fall sleep while not in your arms. I really encourage you to start practicing drowsy but awake daily between 6-8 weeks so you have some time 🙂 I’ll be opening enrollment for my newborn sleep coaching program in early September. If you’re interested, hop on the waiting list and you’ll get notified when registration opens! Click here to learn more: https://sleepandwellnesscoach.mykajabi.com/HBNS-Wait-List
Hello! This site is awesome. Other sites have been so vague with this method, all they say is to “keep trying” without addressing any of the common problems that happen with this method so thank you for being so clear! My baby is 4 mths old and always falls asleep while nursing. She basically starts falling asleep and sucking around 5 mins in. I don’t know when to put her down because I feel like she needs to feed more (which she does with her eyes closed and half asleep) but want to put her down before she is asleep. I’m at such a dilemma! I tried jostling her to wake her a little but she’ll shoot her eyes open and then fall back asleep immediately, otherwise she’ll start crying lol what do I do?
Hi Aggy! I’m glad you’re finding the helpful! 🙂 So to help with the falling asleep while nursing, start with bedtime and the first nap. Put her down for the nap about 1 hour after she wakes in the morning – that way she won’t need a feed when you put her down and you can practice putting her down awake. For bedtime, if she’s falling asleep nursing, try moving the bedtime earlier. Hope that helps!! 🙂
My baby boy is 9 weeks, and he’ll fall asleep on his own in his crib but 10 minutes later hes wide awake, as if hes startled himself. Sometimes he will go back to sleep but more often than not he then becomes fussy and needs a lot of help getting back to sleep. We use an arms up swaddle because he resists all other types and has escaped every brand you can think of
Hi Amy! That’s fantastic that he’s fall asleep on his own! That’s a great starting point and waking after a short period is fairly common when you get started with independent sleep. It’s ok to help him get back to sleep while he continues to get the hang of it. Soon you should start to get a nap here or there where he puts himself to sleep and then sleeps a bit longer. I’m teaching a newborn sleep workshop next week if you’re interested, you can register here: https://sleepandwellnesscoach.mykajabi.com/pl/105092
2 Questions.
1. How many times/How long do we “practice” during a given sleep session before we give up? I tried the pick up, put down method for 20+ minutes with my 6-week old. After clearly failing I tried for another 25 minutes to then calm his overtired body fully to sleep and eventually just stuck him the swing where I hope he’ll fall asleep.
2. I am a firm believer in swaddling, but this LO seems to fight it more than my other kids. I try to create a calm nap routine but the minute he gets put into his swaddler he goes on high alert and wiggles and complains to the point that it seems my efforts at a calm nap routine are a joke. I’ve resorted to rocking him under the bathroom fan just to get him to calm down enough to get to a drowsy but awake state. Without much success 🙁 Do we give up on the swaddling?
Hi Tara!! Have you signed up for my free workshop that I’m offering this week? If not, I think you’ll find it helpful. Here’s a link to register for the online workshop: https://sleepandwellnesscoach.mykajabi.com/pl/105092
As it relates to the swaddle, have you tried a the Love To Dream? Some babies are more comfortable with their arms up rather than held down. Here’s a link: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0081GJ038/ref=as_li_qf_asin_il_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=sleepandwel0a-20&creative=9325&linkCode=as2&creativeASIN=B0081GJ038&linkId=be9e7427caae429c136dab4e41dc2d60
My 7 week old takes several 30-45 minute naps and one 2-3 hour nap a day. Why would he be able to stay asleep for one extended nap but not for others?
Hi Megan!
That’s great you’re getting a long nap! The varying length might be related to the time of day, the length of the wakeful period leading up to the nap, the location of the nap (crib vs. being held), etc.
If you’re interested in learning more about newborn sleep, my newborn sleep coaching program is open for enrollment until tonight at 11:59pm EST. You can learn more here: https://sleepandwellnesscoach.mykajabi.com/hbns-jan-2020
Allison
Hi there,
Our little one is 14wks and is pretty good at putting himself to sleep for naps. Bedtime is a whole different story though. We watch his wake window closely so he isn’t awake for more than 90min. He fights sleep, he cries and cries and when he eventually manages to fall asleep (we go in and pick him up about every 4-5minutes and rock him to calm again and sometimes a closer to sleep), he wakes up again 7-15min later. The battle can go on for an hr-hr abd a half before we throw in the towel and rock him to sleep. Why is bedtime so much harder than nap time? We really don’t know what to do. Do we trust that it will suddenly just happen when he is developmentally ready?
Thank you.
Hi Emilie! Sometimes the wake window between the last nap and bedtime is even shorter than throughout the day. He might do better with a 45-60 minute wake window. Also, if you’re not already, target a bedtime between 7-8pm. I hope that helps! 🙂
Hi Allison, Thank you so much for this post, it is so helpful!
My LO is 12 weeks old and I have just started to put him down relaxed but awake for naps, however the minute I put him down, he starts to cry. He is usually awake for 1 hr 20 mins between naps and I try to wind him down 10 mins before naptime (sing a lullaby, darken room, white noise). I try to put him down for the first nap per day and try for 15 mins until I give up and hold him to sleep until he falls asleep. We have been holding him for naps since he was born and now he is unable to nap anywhere else but our arms. For night sleep, I hold him until asleep and transfer him in the cot where is can sleep 6-7 hours without feeding. Then he wakes up 5-6am and can’t go back go sleep… what do we do wrong? Why can’t he fall asleep in his cot? Thank you for your reply in advance!
Hi Jade! I’m so glad you’ve started working on putting him down awake. Getting started is often the hardest part. Try putting him down 45-60 minutes after he wakes in the morning. Don’t worry about spending too much time relaxing him…. just put on a fresh diaper, sleep sack, sing a song and put him down in the crib. You can stay right there with him to shush him and jiggle him a bit with your hand on his chest. Just keep trying each day and eventually he’ll start to have some victories. You’ve got this!
Hi, could you please describe the weekly coaching that comes with the package? Thank you!!
Hi Isa! Moms who are in the program are able to join a private facebook group. I lead the weekly coaching sessions in the Facebook group. The day before the coaching sessions (currently taking place on Tuesdays), a post goes up in the group inviting you to submit you questions. During the coaching session I go live in the group and answer the presubmitted question and live questions. The sessions are recorded so if you aren’t able to join live you can watch the recording to see the answer to your question. I hope that helps! 🙂
Putting your techniques into action has proved to be a real turning point for my baby’s napping and night time sleep. I was previously a skeptic that did not believe that my baby could be put down drowsy. She would always fuss followed by screaming which would then lead to a very exhausted Mama rocking/shushing/pleading her to go to sleep. I was really starting to dread nap times. She was 14 weeks when I came upon your website and started to utilize the singing (Twinkle Twinkle is what we’ve settled on) followed by putting her down relaxed instead of drowsy. That was truly the ticket! It has taken some time to get her used to it (now 17 weeks) but my goodness am I ever a happy Mama! She has her odd struggle if I let her get too tired but majority of the time now I can go through our little routine and walk out of her room (cue: drop the mic). My arms, back and sanity thank you!
Hi Alyssa! This makes my day!! I’m thrilled this post helped you so much. Keep up the good work! 🙂
Hi there — my son is 13 weeks. We have been consistently using a sleep routine before napping/putting my son to bed. But it doesn’t seem like he is relaxed enough to be on his way to dreamland. We’ve tried drowsy/awake and he either fusses or becomes more alert, plays, and then fusses. But he is obviously tired. So we just rock him to sleep and then place him in his bassinet. After 20 min, he wakes up and sometimes resettles himself but more often then not needs intervention to go back to sleep. Not sure where we’re going wrong. I don’t think I have his awake window right and maybe we’re putting him down too late. Sometime if I start too early, I feel like he is undertired. Any suggestions? And should keep trying drowsy and awake or aim for relaxed and awake? My husband wants to let him cry it out.
Rita
Hi Rita! At 13 weeks I would definitely go with relaxed and awake. It’s not uncommon for them to wake after 20 minutes at this age because there is a lot going on developmentally with their sleep rhythms. The thing to focus on is teaching him to fall asleep in the crib at the start of a nap. Try a shorter wake window and staying near by to assist him with a pat if needed. If he wakes after 20 minutes go ahead and help him get back to sleep to extend that nap if he isn’t able to put himself back down. Hope that helps 🙂
Hi Allison,
I just found this post and am eager to get started. My son is 13 weeks and up to this point has been napping in our arms, or in a front pack, bouncer, stroller. With 2 older kids in at-home virtual learning for school, it’s been survival mode over here. However, now we’ve established some bad sleep habits. We have tried the drowsy but awake before but as previous posters have mentioned, he just instantly starts fussing or outright screaming. We try shushing, hand soothing, singing, nothing works until we pick him up and then the process starts over again. My biggest question is, how long do we do this? Sometimes this goes on for an hour and now he’s missed his nap window all together (and is super tired and cranky). Do we just push through to the next nap window and try again? And what if that doesn’t work and still refuses to sleep and it’s now mid day with no nap? Just not sure what to do when it doesn’t work.
Feeling pretty lost and discouraged 🙁
Hi Annie! I know it’s a wild time to try to teach independent sleep when you’re juggling virtual learning with two other kids! I’d pull the plug on putting him down awake if you reach the 1.5 hours of awake time. Try the first nap of the day after 60 minutes of awake time and if it hasn’t come together in 30 minutes go ahead and help him get to sleep so he doesn’t miss a nap. Be sure you’re not putting him down too drowsy. I hope that helps!
This is a great but my 3.5 mo cries every time I put him down in the crib be it relaxed or drowsy. He will shoot fully alert and cry and squirm the minute I put him down.
Hi Ashleigh! If you feel like he shoots to a more alert state, try putting him down totally awake. Change his diaper, sing a short song as you walk to the crib and then place him in the crib. Hope that helps!
Allison
This all sounds amazing but I feel completely overwhelmed even starting this with my 7.5wo. He feeds to sleep, hates the pram and day bed. Sleeps in the Sling or car but only as long as you keep moving. He wakes the second you stop. He’s crying all day long. Constantly hungry and then falls asleep on the bottle. I got him to self settle once, did a dance for joy but then he woke up 10 minutes later angrier than ever!
How can I ease into this without driving both of us mad?
Hi Laura! It’s so hard to have a baby who isn’t very naturally inclined to sleep. Hang in there – it will get better! Focus getting him onto a feeding schedule so he isn’t snacking all day – that can help with sleep and general fussiness. Also, just try putting him down without the bottle for that first nap. Feed him when he wakes in the morning, have a very short wakeful period and then put him down. I have a free newborn class you might find helpful. CLICK HERE to get access to it. At the end of the class I tell you about my newborn sleep coaching program which might be of interest.
We are trying this with my son (4.5months) for nap times as we have been rocking him to sleep and want to break the habit. But he doesn’t really have a relaxed or drowsy state! When it’s nap time he is either crying or asleep. We’re trying the pick up put down method and every time you pick him up he’s asleep within seconds, but put him down and he starts crying again. What should we do?
If you’re trying pick up put down, be sure to calmly put him down within 30 seconds of him stopping crying. That should help.
Hi 🙂
Just found your content and I am going to start this with my 12 week old.
I co sleep and he naps on me, as well as comfort nurses to sleep for both naps and at night.
I’ve tried putting him to sleep for naps elsewhere (bassinet, cradle) but he fusses no matter what. He will be content/tired, hangout for a bit on his own silently, then fusses then eventually cries.
Because we co sleep, should I be putting him down in our bed for naps? I haven’t tried that yet.
Any tips would be great! Thanks!!
Hi! You could certainly try having him fall asleep on your bed as long as there is nothing around him (sheets, pillows, etc) and you are watching him the whole time. Also, focus on not nursing to sleep 🙂 You’ve got this! – Allison
Hello! I have a 13 week old who is starting to sleep somewhere between 6 to 9 hours straight at night, but napping and getting him to sleep is a challenge. I feel like my days are spent just constantly trying to get him to sleep. Whenever I put him down in his bed awake he looses his mind and cries. Most of his naps end up being contact naps. Should I be letting him cry for a while? So I put him down awake and then what? Is it too early to start teaching him to fall asleep on his own? Everything else I’ve read has said to wait for 4 months, but with my husband back to work and having to do this by myself I feel like what we are doing isn’t sustainable and I can’t wait another month. Sorry I’m just so discouraged, frustrated and feel lost with all this sleeping business.
Hi Renee! Here’s the good news, the reason things are feeling so hard is because your baby is going through a big developmental sleep leap that takes place between 12 and 16 weeks. Once he gets to the other side, he’ll be ready for a more consistent schedule. Try putting him down awake in his crib awake for two naps each day and don’t stress about the others. Do it after a 60 minute wake window and early in the day so he’s not overtired. If things don’t improve, you can do a little more structured sleep training at 16 weeks. Happy to connect for a consult if you want to talk through a schedule and different approaches you can try. Hang in there!
Hi! I have an 8-week old who had always fallen asleep while being burped in the rocking chair after nursing. Recently, she started handling more playtime after nursing. However, I still find myself needing to rock her to get her to sleep. I’ve tried putting her down drowsy but awake anywhere between ~0-15 mins before the end of her ~60-min wake window, but she would stare around / grunt / struggle for awhile until outright crying. (The ~0-15 mins beforehand is mostly following her sleep queues, and at which point I could probably get her to sleep within 5 mins if I were rocking her.) Anyway, I’ve never let the crying carry on for longer than 30 minutes before picking her up and rocking her to sleep. How long do you recommend I let her cry for? I’ve been trying drowsy but awake for about a week now starting when she was almost 7 weeks old. Thanks!
Once she really starts to cry I’d pick her up and soothe her and then try putting her back down again. If you reach the point where she’s been up for 1.5 hours, go ahead and help her get to sleep so she doesn’t get overtired.
I have been trying this with my eight week old. She will fall asleep on her own and awaken about ten minutes later. She will not cry but lay awake in her crib and I’m not sure what to do. She will lay there for 20 minutes awake and not falling back asleep but not crying or fussing. Should I just leave her in there alone if she isn’t crying? Should resettle her? I don’t want her to get overtired but at the same time I’m trying to form good sleep habits. So it feels like one doesn’t come without the other because she is getting used to something new.
Hi Lexie! Falling asleep on her own is the initial victory we are looking for so that’s fantastic! And the fact that she wakes calm is also great. I’d leave her for about 15 minutes to see if she’ll get back to sleep if she isn’t crying. Then try to help her get resettled.
My 12 week old is a TERRIBLE sleeper (has been since day one). There is no putting him down “calm but awake”… I’ve tried over and over again. In fact, he even cries when I’m holding him and trying to put him down for a nap. It doesn’t matter if it’s at 45 minutes, 60 minutes, 90 minutes, or anywhere in between. If it’s bedtime, he cries and cries. And I’m at my wits end!!! What do I do?
Hi Amber! It sounds like your little guy isn’t super naturally inclined to sleep (it’s not his most natural given talent!). I’d need to know more to most helpful. We could either connect for a 30 minute consult (you can CLICK HERE if interested) or you could join my newborn sleep coaching program where you’d have access to an entire portal of lesson on newborn sleep and access to weekly Q&A sessions with me until your little one is 20 weeks old. If that’s of interest, you can learn more by CLICKING HERE. Hang in there! It will get easier.
Hi!!
Thank you for the great content! Our little guy is going down into his crib relaxed as you suggested above. But there is usually 1 period in the day where he will go down and not sleep (a total of three hours) within this time we let him settle himself which he is great at. But it starts to reach the 30-40 minute period. He then gets a bit fussy and we start a diaper change and then a feed to reset things, then start the routine again. However, it happens again, he’s calm in his crib but doesn’t go to sleep(gets fussy around the 30-40 minute mark). And this repeats about 3 times before he goes to sleep. Please help!
Hi Christine! First of all, I’m very impressed you are already focused on teaching him to put himself to sleep at one week old and it sounds like he’s doing great! If he is approaching being awake for 1.5 hours and hasn’t gotten to sleep, go ahead and help him get to sleep. The longer they are awake and the more overtired they get, the harder it can become for them to put themselves to sleep. So help him out and then try again for the next nap. Hope that helps! – Allison
Hi Allison,
I am attempting to put my 8.5 month-old down awake (she is used to feeding then being held to sleep). Do you recommend that I try it every single time she is due to sleep, i.e. bedtime and all daytime naps, as opposed to choosing to start only with bedtime, or only one nap, etc.? We’ve only been at it about one day and she cries each time so far anywhere between 10 seconds and 10 minutes and a couple of times we have gone in to soothe her. We have been getting her ready for sleep when we see her rubbing her eyes. My other questions are: how long will it take before we can expect her to adopt this habit with less crying? If it does not get easier, how long should we persist until we conclude it is not working for her? Thanks!
Hi Anthea! I definitely recommend being consistent with bedtime AND naps. At her age you want to have a plan on how you respond to her if she’s crying when you put her down. I always tell parents to plan on being consistent for 2 weeks and you should be in an entirely different place at that point – for some babies it will come together much sooner and for others it may take closer to 2 weeks – it depends on the method you’re using and your baby’s personality 🙂
Ok, we’ll stick with it and try to be consistent. Thanks so much for replying!
I have played with wake windows for months now. My baby cries no matter what when I try and get her down for a nap. Even if I cradle her she screams. I am at my witts end. Whe is not overtired. She sleeps for 1.5-2hour nap. Wakes up and within 20-30mins she’s showing tired signs already. Then crying at 1 hour seemingly overtired. Surely her wake window isn’t 20 minutes. I have tried every time possible from 30mibutes to 1.5 hours. Every 5 minutes to settle her but she still screams everytime.
Hi Lisa! Ugh, it sounds like your little lady may be an extra fussy or colicky baby. I’m not sure how old she is, but I do agree that after a 1.5-2 hour nap her wake window should be more than 20 minutes. She may be a baby who shows misleading tired signs. If you’re interested in connect for a consult call so we can chat through some strategies to help her with her sleep, you can learn more by CLICKING HERE. Hang in there – things will get easier! – Allison
Hi I have a 9.5 month old boy who hasn’t ever slept a full night yet. He wakes every 2 ish hours during the night. Reading I know why he does it – because I have always fed him to sleep and then put him in his cot. When he wakes I feed him
Back to sleep and then put him back . During the night he ends up in bed next to me as it’s the only way I can get some sleep. I need to change this now tho as it’s really starting to get me down not having any sleep. In the daytime we are busy farmers so he either sleeps in the pram or in a vehicle and is good. I have weaned him off me in the day but can’t at night as it’s the only way to get him back to sleep. What you say about being relaxed not drowsy makes perfect sense as I definitely answered yes to your questions!Please help xx
Hi Hannah! I know it’s exhausting. You’re exactly right that the key to him getting himself back to sleep during the night is learning to put himself to sleep at the beginning of the night. I suspect you’ll need to so some structured sleep training to help him learn this skill. Whatever approach you decide you are most comfortable can work, but you need to be very consistent. If you’re interested in a consultation with me, you can learn more by CLICKING HERE. Hang in there! – Allison
Hi Alison,
I appreciate this article explaining more on drowsy but awake but I’m struggling with my 6 month old.
He only usually goes to sleep on the bottle and 9 out of 10 times will stay asleep in his cot after falling to sleep on the bottle but I think this may be the reason for 4/5 night wakings. He doesn’t manage a full night in his cot either, usually after 5 hours I have to bring him into my room as he won’t settle!
I have tried putting him in his cot when he is showing signs of tiredness but will just cry and become more awake or will fall asleep as soon as I pick him up but will wake up when I put him down again.
He sleeps 2-3 hours during the day with wake windows being around 2-3 hours long. In the day he sleeps in his pram as we go out or will fall asleep on the bottle during the day too!
He also doesn’t seem to want to go to sleep for the night until 9-11pm, I’ve tried the bedtime routine and putting him to sleep between 7-8pm but will just wake up 40 mins later thinking it’s just a nap!
I’m not sure what I can do to help him sleep better during the night! I don’t know how to move the bottle before he sleeps to the beginning as this is when he seems to drink the most!
Hi Rach! You’re having a similar struggle to Hannah who commented before you. You’re exactly right that the key to him getting himself back to sleep during the night is learning to put himself to sleep at the beginning of the night. I suspect you’ll need to so some structured sleep training to help him learn this skill. Whatever approach you decide you are most comfortable can work, but you need to be very consistent. I’d also suggest getting away from wake windows and putting him on a consistent three nap schedule where is naps start at the same time each day. If you’re interested in a consultation with me, you can learn more by CLICKING HERE. Hang in there! – Allison
Hi there, I hope you receive this comment well as the previous comments are quite old. We have identical twin boys they’re 4 1/2 months old. One of them sleeps quite well whereas the other doesn’t sleep well at all. He wants to be picked up constantly. It’s at a point of desperation now where myself and my partner are at a loss as to what to do. We will pick him up when he starts crying hysterically and shush him over. The second we put him down in his cot he wakes up and cries or very shortly after he wakes up and the cycle starts again. We have tried not lifting him out and putting our hand on his chest for example. We let him cry until he gets to a point of being upset so we don’t pick him up immediately. We have temporarily separated the twins as they disturb each other but soon we need to put them together in their own room. Do you have any suggestions as we have no idea how to get him to self soothe or be calm.
Hi Lauren! This is one of the things that is particularly tricky about twins – it’s not uncommon for one to be more naturally inclined to sleep well than the other and/or for one to be more sensitive than the other. I think it’s great that you’re able to briefly separate them for sleep. I would consider doing some sleep training to help him learn how to self-soothe and you’ll also really want to nail down his ideal sleep rhythm (bedtime, time of each nap) so you’re setting his sensitive body up for success. Happy to connect for a consultation if you want to talk through some options.
Hello! I’m having trouble with the “drowsy but awake” method with my 16 week old. I don’t know if we’re in a regression or if we’re in the ‘crap nap’ stage. My daughter was sleeping GREAT, would stay down for 1-2 hour naps during the day and sleeping through the night. We transitioned her out of the bassinet and into her crib, the first week she did really well, but we’re struggling with naps and overnight sleeping now (we’re also rolling). I do a routine for both naps and bedtime, have a sleep sack, watch wake windows and cues, but when I put her in the crib awake she just screams bloody murder. I try comforting her in the crib (doesn’t work), picking her up and calming her down (screams as soon as she’s back down in the crib), and my last resort is a pacifier. She settles down right away with the pack, but it falls out of her mouth minutes later and she isn’t able to pick it up and put it back in her mouth so I’m constantly back and forth popping it back in. All in all we don’t nap for more than 45 min (if that) during the day, and it takes close to 1-2 hours to get her down for bedtime. Any suggestions??
Hi there! Sounds like she’s hit the dreaded 4 month sleep “regression” and she’s overtired which is making it harder for her to get to sleep for naps and at bedtime. Try a reset where you help her get 3-4 hours of total day sleep spread across 3 or 4 naps and shoot for 90 minute wake window between the last nap and bedtime. Hopefully that provides some quick relief. Then she may need a little bit of structured sleep training to get things back on track.
A couple podcast episodes that may be helpful:
My case for an early bedtime: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/1-my-case-for-an-early-bedtime/id1591963356?i=1000539675241
Good News About the 4 Month Sleep Regression: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/23-good-news-about-the-4-month-sleep-regression/id1591963356?i=1000554701457
Hang in there!
Allison
Hi there! My little one just turned 12 weeks and has been an extremely fussy baby (she goes from 0 to 10 in seconds) and has been a terrible napper/nighttime sleeper (just super short). We’re gonna start the rested but awake. The last week we were doing drowsy but awake with the paci in. If the paci comes out she fusses until I put it back in. She has never fallen asleep without her paci. Trying this rested but awake should we try to take away the paci completely and just deal with the melting down and commit to the process (I have a feeling everytime I set her down she’s going to freak out until she’s exhausted and just falls asleep)? So she learns to bridge her sleep cycles without a paci? Or does it not matter?
Also, reading the comments above you suggest putting her down after 60min of wake time, you mean swaddled and ready to nap even if she typically has a wake window of 1.5 hours? If she starts falling asleep this way will I eventually be able to put her down later in her wake window? Thanks!!
Yes, start with that shorter wake window. It will lengthen as she gets older and the shorter wake window could help her put herself to sleep more easily. I have a program that walks you through the coming weeks and includes a weekly Q&A that allows you to ask me questions as your baby matures. If you’re interested in learning more, CLICK HERE.
Hi Emma! I feel your pain… my first also really struggled to sleep. Some babies just aren’t as naturally inclined to sleep, but I truly believe all babies can learn to sleep well. So glad you’re going to start working on relaxed but awake. You can certainly start by using the pacifier to assist! Hang in there… things will get better! – Allison