This is Not Me – A Story of Postpartum Struggles

Becoming a parent was the must humbling experience of my life. No book, class, or amount of planning prepared me for the very challenging labor I had, the post-labor complications that resulted in my inability to nurse my daughter, or the sleep deprivation that fueled the extreme anxiety I struggled with.

My postpartum struggles resulted in my passion for helping moms with the sleep deprivation piece of motherhood. What I’ve learned since launching my business is that so many moms are still struggling in silence. Sometimes it’s incredibly hard to see your way out, or to even realize you need, and can ask for, help.

Last year, one of my favorite mom friends, someone I greatly admire, shared her postpartum story with me – her struggle to find herself after having her boys. She’s an amazing mom. She’s smart. She has a helpful and supportive husband. She has the financial resources needed to get help/support. AND she’s a therapist. Hearing her story reminded me of the guilt I felt (on top of my anxiety) after my oldest was born – I kept thinking, “I have support from my husband and financial resources – what’s my problem?” Listening to Holly’s story made me realize that postpartum struggles can knock any of one of us on our butts.

Today I am so pleased to welcome my first guest blogger – Holly K. If you’d like to share some love for Holly or share your story, hop on over to the Sleep and Wellness Coach Facebook Page

THIS IS NOT ME, by Holly K.

Wabam! Pow! Kapow!!  Any guesses what that sound could be?  

That is not only the sound my four year old son likes to make when imaginary things are apparently blowing up, it is also the sound of my blissful vision of motherhood exploding once again after the birth of my second child. Unfortunately this was not imaginary, this was the real deal.

Even though I felt like I was fairly acquainted with the joys and struggles that come with having a newborn, I held on to a vision of being so blissed out by the sweet babe and motherhood. My vision included serene moments of just rocking and holding my baby, feeling so motherly, feeling so content and at peace.  I thought I was prepared for the difficulties, and I was well aware of the adjustments that come along the way. I was not, however, prepared for what happened to ME – what overtook my sense of self.

All I kept thinking was, “This is not me.” I was not acting or thinking like myself. I was crying. I was angry. I would yell at my husband. I would just be so overwhelmed that I felt paralyzed. I was exhausted. I was anxious. This was not me.

Even though I was surrounded by a supportive husband, family, and friends, I felt so alone with these feelings. So alone and so embarrassed.  

And no matter how hard I tried, I felt like I couldn’t get it together.  And, oh, I tried so very, very hard. This was definitely not my vision of motherhood. I so desperately wanted to feel at ease, soak it all in, and just feel at peace.  

There were moments when I would get glimpses of feeling like myself. I certainly had joyful and happy moments. I had fun with the kids. I had fun going on family outings. I enjoyed getting to see my friends and trying to grasp onto some sort of normalcy. I took trips to Target, sipped coffee, and wandered around the aisles enjoying all the offerings of Targetland. But then these waves of emotions, angst, and self-doubt would overwhelm me.  

I can distinctly remember one morning saying to myself, ”Today I will just be normal. I will not get emotional. I will not overreact. I will not be anxious. I will just be grateful that I have a healthy baby and a supportive husband. I will just be normal.”  Sounds good, right? Well, within 15 minutes the first wave of the day came. I was standing at my kitchen counter sobbing. I’m not sure what brought on the tears, but then my inner dialogue joined in the berating of myself. I was in such despair. Why could I not just follow my pep talk from this morning? Why couldn’t I just feel like myself? I can still feel the hard, cool wood of the kitchen counter and my warm tears just streaming down my face.  Maybe if I cried enough I could just get it all out for the day and then tomorrow I could relaunch my crusade to be “normal”  and feel like myself again.  

I can also vividly remember my therapist telling me I was experiencing “Postpartum Depression.” While somewhere in my mind I could logically understand this, there were so many swirling emotions that it was hard to grasp and accept. Oh, and I almost forgot…here’s the kicker…. I am a therapist myself. I was fully aware of all the signs and symptoms of Postpartum Depression. In fact, I think Postpartum Depression can be such a misnomer. It doesn’t often look or even feel like what one might classify as “typical depression.” There can be such a wide range of experiences –  anxiety, irritability, difficulty concentrating, problems sleeping (aside from the usual sleep deprivation of having a baby), obsessive thoughts, a fear of being alone, or general mood swings.  

The other complicating factor for me was that I had moments where I felt good. I felt like I was getting there and that if I could just hold out one more day, a switch would turn on and I would automatically feel like myself again. I could pull it together to go to appointments, attend mother’s groups, and see friends, so I had a hard time figuring out if this was really impacting my level of functioning.  

But every night as I wrestled with all of it, what it came down to was…THIS IS NOT ME. It was that on-going feeling of not feeling like myself. I was exhausted trying to keep up the act that I was doing okay. Who knows exactly where I was on the range of severity of symptoms…but what I came to realize is it that it didn’t really matter. I wanted it to be different. I wanted to feel better.  

A big turning point for me was when I was able to realize that this…this yuck that I was going through, didn’t define me.  I was so much more than postpartum depression and anxiety. Part of this process was also recognizing that it was not my fault. I was not a bad mom. I was not a failure. I was not weak.  

Postpartum International states, “with the right help you will get better.” This really resonates with me. My process of healing was a lot about figuring out what worked for me. Everyone’s path and struggle with postpartum issues looks and feels different, so it only makes sense that the path to feeling better will look different for each of us. For me, I had an amazing therapist that supported and guided me. We worked on how I could tap into my strengths and resources, how I could open up to others, how I could ask for help, and how I could take care of myself.  I tried a variety of mom groups to figure out what and who was a good fit for me. I met with a psychiatrist and several healthcare professionals to learn and talk more about the biochemical components.

The good news is that I would venture to say that I came out on the other side of this journey with an upgraded version of myself.  Too bad there is not an App upgrade that we can just plug in at night and be a 9.0 version by the morning. But I am so happy and grateful to say “I am back to ME.”

I tend to be a somewhat private person.  I was nervous about writing this post.  But if this helps create just an ounce more of awareness about postpartum anxiety and depression, just an ounce of encouragement for other new moms to seek support, than it is well worth putting myself out there. I hope you’ll remember what Postpartum International says…

• You are not alone
• You are not to blame.
• With help, you will get better.  
• Postpartum depression and anxiety ARE TREATABLE

Below is both a nationwide and Virginia resource. There are also likely numerous local resources where you live – including support groups, therapists, peer networks, doulas, and specialized healthcare providers.

Post Partum Support International – http://www.postpartum.net, 1.800.944.4773

Post Partum Support Virginia – www.postpartumva.org