Listen on Apple | Spotify | YouTube

Does your child insist that only Mom can do bedtime? And they refuse to let Dad put them to bed?

Parent preference at bedtime is incredibly common, especially during the toddler and preschool years. But while it’s normal, that doesn’t mean you have to accept a situation where only one parent can handle bedtime every night.

In this episode, Allison explains why children develop a strong preference for one parent at bedtime and, more importantly, exactly how to help your child become comfortable with both parents doing bedtime.

Allison shares a simple approach that she has seen work repeatedly with families, and says that many children begin to adjust within about a week when parents consistently follow the plan.

In this episode, you’ll learn:
— Why a child may strongly prefer one parent at bedtime
— Why parent preference does not mean your child loves the other parent less
— Why solving this issue can benefit the entire family
— How to establish a simple alternating bedtime schedule
— Why the parent whose turn it is should handle the entire bedtime routine from start to finish
— Why having both parents participate in bedtime can sometimes make the struggle worse
— What to say when your child protests or has a meltdown
— Why the preferred parent should not rescue the other parent during a difficult bedtime
— How to respond calmly while allowing your child to have big feelings
— Why the first few bedtimes may be rough, and why consistency matters
— How keeping the bedtime routine consistent between parents can help
— What to do if the bedtime struggle seems to involve more than just parent preference

Chapter Markers
00:00 – Allison’s Maine & Acadia trip update
02:36 – When your child only wants one parent at bedtime
03:20 – Why parent preference at bedtime is completely normal
04:45 – Why it’s worth helping your child accept both parents
06:05 – The key strategy: Take turns doing bedtime
07:25 – Why one parent should do the entire bedtime routine
08:35 – How to introduce the new bedtime plan
09:30 – What to say when your child protests
10:25 – Let the big feelings happen and keep moving
11:05 – Why the other parent shouldn’t “rescue” bedtime
12:30 – How to handle a major bedtime meltdown
14:00 – Expect a few bumpy nights
15:15 – How quickly children usually adjust
16:10 – Keep the bedtime routine consistent between parents
17:00 – The one-week plan for ending parent preference
18:05 – When to seek additional help with bedtime struggles
18:40 – Final thoughts on parent preference at bedtime

If you’re in the middle of the “ONLY MOM!” or “ONLY DAD!” bedtime trenches, this episode will give you a practical plan for getting out of them.

And if you want a sleep coach to guide you as you make the change, schedule a free 15 minute Get Acquainted call with our team

Wondering if your child is getting enough sleep? Allison’s free guides take the guesswork out of bedtime. Learn the optimal sleep ranges for every age so your little one can feel their best—day after day. Get your free copy now: 0-2 Years Old or 3 to 10 years old

From baby sleep to toddler sleep, daycare naps to sleep training—How Long ’Til Bedtime? is the podcast for parents who want practical, guilt-free sleep tips they can actually use.

Hosted by pediatric sleep coach Allison Egidi, each episode delivers real solutions for every stage—from navigating newborn sleep struggles and weaning night feedings to helping your 3-year-old fall asleep independently (and stay asleep!). Whether you’re trying to make sense of daycare sleep patterns, craving your evenings back, or simply need a working mom podcast to keep you grounded, you’re in the right place.

Want more from Allison? Sign up here to get her weekly email with podcast updates and other helpful parenting topics.

Enjoying How Long ‘Til Bedtime?
Your rating and review help Allison reach and support more parents.
— On Apple Podcasts: Click here, scroll to the bottom, rate the show, and tap “Write a Review.”
— On Spotify: Click here to leave a rating or review.
Don’t miss an episode—subscribe so you’re always up to date!

Connect with Allison:
Instagram | Facebook | Website | YouTube

Scroll down for a full transcript of this episode.

255. When Your Child Only Wants Mom (or Dad) at Bedtime: What to Do
Allison Egidi: Before we dive in today, I want to share a quick update from our trip to Maine. A few episodes ago, I mentioned that we were about to head out for a family vacation to Boston and then on to Maine for the first time. And we had a great trip. We hiked in Acadia, and I have to say that the advice that I got from the tennis opponent who pulled up her Acadia map ended up being super helpful. But I also have so much more advice to share if anyone is thinking about going to Acadia with kids.

So I took notes in my phone throughout our trip on restaurants and hiking and all the things. And I’m going to write up a full blog post with my main recommendations because I truly believe that real parent recommendations are irreplaceable. Even in the age of AI trip planning, which I use for part of it, but there were pieces I was so glad I listened to a real person. So stay tuned for that blog. It’s going to come out on sleepandwellnesscoach.com probably sometime in the next month.

Okay, on to today’s episode. While it’s not the main reason that families typically hire me to help them with their child’s sleep, it’s very common that as a client starts to share a typical bedtime with me, it is noted that only one parent can put the child to bed. And while it may not be at the top of their list of pain points, it’s always something I make sure we address because life is just easier for everyone involved if both parents can handle bedtime without a lot of pushback or protest.

So today I’m going to tell you exactly how to address this struggle. If you have a child who resists one parent at bedtime, this episode is for you.

Hey there, Allison here. Welcome back to How Long ‘Til Bedtime. In the last two days alone, I had four new clients come to me with a child who will only let mom do bedtime. Four in two days. And that doesn’t really surprise me at all because I hear about this part of the bedtime struggle virtually every day. A child who has a strong preference for one parent at bedtime. Usually it’s mom, but I see it all. So I certainly have children who have a strong attachment to dad putting them to bed as well. And whichever parent it is, the other parent can’t get the child to go down at bedtime, particularly if the preferred parent is in the home without a massive fit ensuing.

So oftentimes, if the preferred parent isn’t home, the other parent’s able to do it, but not when the preferred parent is in the house. Today I want to help you understand why this happens, how to think about it, and most importantly, exactly what to do to fix it. Because this is one of those issues that can feel really big, but can often be resolved in less than a week if you approach it the right way.

So, first let me start by assuring you that this is completely normal behavior for our toddlers and preschoolers and young children to just have this preferred parent at bedtime. It does not mean that your child loves the other parent less. It does not mean the less preferred parent has done anything wrong. And it does not mean that this is just how things have to be or are going to be forever.

My goal when I work with families on this issue is not actually to change who the preferred parent is. I feel like that’s kind of a pointless effort. My goal is to help you become comfortable putting your child to bed, but also helping your child become comfortable and eventually happy with either parent doing bedtime. So if you’re the parent who is always doing bedtime and you’re exhausted and maybe growing resentful, I gotcha. And if you’re the parent who gets rejected at bedtime and it stings, I got you too. Because this is fixable.
So before I go into the how, I want to make the case for why solving this is worth the effort. Because I find that sometimes the preferred parent has just accepted this as the way things are, but then they’re quietly burning out. When one parent carries all the bedtime every single night, it’s exhausting. It removes flexibility from your family’s evening dynamic. If the preferred parent is sick or frankly just needs a break, bedtime kind of becomes this crisis or very painful time. It can also create tension between partners. Resentment on one side, guilt on the other.

And here’s something I also see a lot. When a child only accepts one parent at bedtime, they often also struggle more with separation anxiety from that parent in other contexts outside of the home. Getting comfortable with both parents at bedtime is actually practice for being flexible and secure more broadly. So, this is a struggle that is worth solving. It will be helpful both for your child and just for your whole family.

Okay, so here’s what I recommend. And this approach works remarkably well with families when they see it through. First, I want you to take turns doing bedtime. This is a concept even young toddlers can understand. Mom will do bedtime tonight, dad will do it tomorrow. Then it will be mom’s turn again. And then dad’s. The message is that we are going to take turns every night. And that is a structure that they can easily understand and more readily accept. Then whoever’s turn it is is going to do the entire bedtime routine from start to finish.

Having both parents involved in the routine is typically not productive because it gives the child more energy to work with. So they are pretty intuitive. And if they sense that the two of you don’t want or do the same thing, they can kind of play you off of each other. And even if they’re just being silly, they have more energy to interact with. That’s not helpful as we get ready for sleep. And then if the parent of preference tries to leave mid-routine, your child is more likely to have a meltdown that’s even closer to when we want them to go to bed and therefore being ready to sleep.

So who’s ever taking the turn to do bedtime will do the entire routine. And when I say entire routine, I’m talking bath, pajamas, books, tucking, lights out. When it comes to the other parent, a common question is well, when do I get to say goodnight to them? Do they get to come back out and say goodnight to me? Do I go back in? Nope. That’s adding in another transition point. So if it is dad’s turn, then mom will say goodnight to you before we head up for bath. That’s how you do it. So that parent can say goodnight, and then the other parent starts the routine with the child.

I want you to introduce this new structure with a confident and very simple explanation. And there will not be any negotiating. I don’t want you to overexplain it. I don’t want you to try to convince your child that this is a great idea. Just tell them the new plan. I’d say the energy would be warm and matter of fact. You’re just going to say something like, hey, both mommy and daddy love putting you to bed. So we’ve decided that we’re going to take turns. Tonight’s going to be mommy’s turn, tomorrow’s daddy’s turn, then mommy’s, then daddy’s, then mommy’s, then daddy’s.

If they push back, and they probably will, you can just acknowledge it without caving in, or without trying to convince them that this is a good idea. Here’s an example. If their preference is mom, and dad goes to start the bedtime routine or says it’s his turn, and we start to have a meltdown, you can just say, I know you want mommy today. The good news is it’s mommy’s turn tomorrow. But tonight is daddy’s turn, and I like putting you to bed too. Then once you’ve acknowledged that, I just want you to keep moving through the routine. You are not waiting for them to regroup. You are just calmly proceeding. So that may mean you are picking them up and carrying them, kicking and screaming upstairs to start their bedtime routine.

That’s a really important piece. You just have to keep moving through the routine and just let it happen. Let their big feelings happen and keep moving. And then, equally important, is that the other parent is not jumping in to bail out their partner. This is pretty critical, you guys. If it is your partner’s night to do the routine and your child is upset and wanting you and calling for you, screaming for you. I need you to resist the urge to go rescue the situation. Just stay out of it. I know that is hard. I know every instinct you have is to go in and help because in your mind, it’s going to put all this to an end sooner and get your child to bed faster. But if you rescue your partner, you are teaching your child that their protests not only work, but that also they can throw a fit and push this other parent away. So that means the next time the other parent tries, the protest is going to be louder and longer and more challenging.

So if you’re the parent who’s dealing with an epic meltdown, your partner is not coming to save you. I need you to hold calm space for your child’s very big feelings. And at the same time, I need you to move through the routine. So minimal talking and acknowledgement. You can say something like this: after you’ve acknowledged, you know that they want the other parent. I know you’re upset and that’s okay, but it’s time to get ready for bed. And now I’m going to help you put on your pajamas. And then just forge ahead.

There may be a massive tantrum. You may feel like you are needing to gently wrangle an alligator into their pajamas, but that’s exactly what you’re going to do. And as you start this process, I just want you to buckle up for a few bumpy nights. The first one to three times that the less preferred parent does bedtime might be pretty darn rough. And I’m going to tell you, that’s what I would expect. Just try to remember that your child is allowed to be disappointed and you are allowed to hold the structure that you told them you would be holding.

I also like to remind the parent that while you’re staying with your child and you’re helping them continue to move through their routine, even when they are screaming for the other parent and having a very hard time, you are teaching them that their big feelings are not going to push you away, and that you are also a sturdy parent. Over time, and I say over time, but I should say it’s usually within a week, children start to accept and then hopefully shift into genuinely enjoying bedtime with both parents. It’s usually if you can make it through three bedtimes with each parent. So if we’re doing every other night, it’s like six nights, three with the preferred parent, three with the not as preferred parent. And then kids settle into this new structure.

One final tip is to make sure the bedtime routine is the same each night, no matter which parent is doing it. Sometimes what plays into a bedtime parent of preference is the fact that the parents kind of have two different routines and the child prefers one of them over the other. So before you start taking turns, the two of you need to get on the same page about what is going to be happening in this bedtime routine and then agree to stay consistent. You’re going to hold the structure no matter who’s doing it.

So just to wrap up, parent preference at bedtime is incredibly common, especially in the toddler and preschool years. But while it’s common and you know, quote, normal, it’s also absolutely fixable. So decide on a routine both parents are willing and able to follow. Take turns doing the routine with one parent doing the full routine. Before you get started, introduce the change simply and confidently. Resist the urge to bail out your partner if things get bumpy. And then stick to it. Stick to it for at least a week.

I have seen this approach work over and over again with the families I work with. And if you try it and find that there are other layers to the bedtime struggles that are bigger than just the parent of preference, we are here to help you. This is exactly why we offer one-on-one consultations. So you can learn more about how you can work with us at sleepandwellnesscoach.com.

If this episode was helpful, please share it with another parent who is deep into the bedtime preference trenches right now. And as always, thanks for listening. I hope you’ll come back again next week. Bye for now.