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May is Maternal Mental Health Awareness Month. It is believed that 1 in 5 new moms experience some level of perinatal mood or anxiety disorder. And when a new mom experiences postpartum anxiety or depression, her partner is 50% more likely to also experience anxiety or depression.

In today’s episode, we’ve invited three fathers to share their perspective on the postpartum journey. Mike Vasquez and Todd Kennedy are married to women who courageously shared their postpartum experiences in episodes 31 and 32. Alex Grant and his wife are former clients of Allison. In this episode, Allison asks Mike, Todd, and Alex to reflect on their own transition to parenthood and what it was like to support a partner navigating postpartum anxiety or depression.

Together, they share honest insights about recognizing when something was not quite right, managing their own emotions during a stressful season, and learning how to show up as steady, supportive partners. Their stories highlight the importance of communication, support systems, and compassion for both parents during the postpartum period.

This episode offers a powerful reminder that postpartum mental health affects the entire family and that partners play a critical role in recovery and healing.

Listen in to learn:
— Why postpartum mental health challenges affect the whole family, not just the mother
— How partners often recognize early signs of postpartum anxiety or depression
— The emotional impact of supporting a struggling spouse after a new baby arrives
— Practical ways partners can provide meaningful support during the postpartum period
— Why open communication and a strong support system are essential for new families

We have eleven episodes dedicated to the important topic of maternal mental health. Each offers a slightly different perspective. Listen in and help spread the word by forwarding an episode or two to a new mom in your life.

Episodes:
29. My Postpartum Anxiety Story
30. How to Keep Reaching for the Light with Britt Davis
31. Sleep Makes Such a Difference with Caroline Vasquez
32. Where Did I Go with Ellen Jones and Holly Kennedy
82. The Postpartum Journey from the Perspective of Three Husbands with Mike Vasquez, Alex Grant and Todd Kennedy
84. Planning for Your Mental Health Postpartum with Kayce Hodos
135. Maternal Mental Health From The Perspective of an OB/GYN with Dr. Nicole Rankins
136. Maternal Mental Health From The Perspective of a Pediatrician with Dr. Stephanie Grice
137. How Postpartum Support International Supports Parents with President and CEO Wendy Davis
138. Maternal Mental Health: What I Want Every Parent To Know
238. How Postpartum Doula Support Can Protect a Mother’s Mental Health with Kristin Revere

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Scroll down for a full transcript of this episode.

240. [ENCORE] The Postpartum Journey from the Perspective of Three Husbands with Mike Vasquez, Alex Grant and Todd Kennedy
Allison Egidi: This is a really special episode, and I hope this is one that you’ll listen to with your partner and share with friends or family who are expecting or who are already new parents. Last May, in recognition of Maternal Mental Health Awareness month, we shared several very personal stories about postpartum anxiety and depression across four episodes of How Long ‘Til Bedtime. These were powerful conversations and I urge you to go back and listen to episodes 29, 30, 31, and 32 if you haven’t already.

As we discussed then, it is believed that one in five new moms experience some level of perinatal mood or anxiety disorder, or postpartum mood or anxiety disorder. And when a new mom experiences postpartum anxiety or depression, her partner is 50% more likely to also experience anxiety or depression.

So this year as a follow up, we wanted to share a slightly different perspective on this very important topic. We have three men chiming in for today’s episode. Mike Vasquez and Todd Kennedy are married to women who shared their postpartum struggles in those episodes I just mentioned. And Alex Grant is the husband of a member of my Sleep Tight community.

I asked Mike, Todd and Alex some questions about their own personal adjustment to parenthood and their experience with having a partner who struggled with postpartum anxiety or depression. I am so grateful that these three men agreed to share their experience and their insight. I know their thoughtful and heartfelt comments will be eye-opening and informative to all the new and expecting parents in this community.

When I asked Mike, Todd and Alex to share what the biggest challenge was when they became a parent, they all shared that the change in lifestyle, how drastic the shift was and how much changed all at once, was the biggest hurdle they faced. I hear this so often from my clients, both men and women. And in families where the new mom suffers from any kind of postpartum mental health struggle, this hurdle becomes even harder to overcome.

All three of the men who are joining me for today’s episode have partners that have struggled with perinatal depression or anxiety, postpartum depression or anxiety, or both. So often partners and family have trouble spotting the warning signs that the new mom is having a hard time. I asked Mike, Todd and Alex to think back to what the first signs were that their partner was struggling and not having a quote, typical, postpartum experience.

Mike Vasquez: I could definitely tell something was off. I think the challenge for, for me and most likely a lot of men is like kind of what immediately can fix it, right? Like go into problem solving mode. And I think it was one of those things that a little bit, it improves with time and the baby kind of being able to sleep more, but then also what are some strategies to be supportive and make sure that everyone gets some, some much needed rest. Just being kind of there for the person and for me, kind of a big takeaway is just making sure that you all are honest about how much rest the mom is getting or you are getting during that time. Because that was a big, big factor for, for us, is kind of going back to the fundamentals of getting good rest, working out, kind of getting outside in sunshine, and kind of having a support network around the family that can take your mind off of some of the, the struggles of, of the, the evening or not sleeping.

Todd Kennedy: Recognizing that Holly was suffering from postpartum depression was probably one of our biggest challenges. In some ways we were fortunate as it happened with our second child, so we actually had something to compare it to. Even so, I think we were both slow to recognize that she was suffering. In hindsight, I think some of the things that stood out were there weren’t enough highs to offset the lows, and there was probably a little more anger than just sadness, which is something that we both picked up on over time.

Alex Grant: Laura suffered from postpartum anxiety and you know, the first sort of signs that I noticed something was wrong was normal situations were treated differently than they had been before. So for example, time became very important. If Isaac went down at 9:01 versus 9:00, it became an issue. If, if I was 10 minutes late to come home from work that was an issue and you know, just different reactions to what I would call just normal situations.

Wow, right? We’ve heard from Holly and Caroline on this podcast, and I’ve personally talked to Laura about her challenges during our consultations, but hearing it from the perspective of their partners is really important. And I think it’s worth noting that each of the women’s symptoms were quite different. So it’s not always going to present itself in the same way.

I followed up by asking what advice they would give to other new dads-to-be regarding how best to support their partners, what they wish they had known beforehand, and what eventually helped them work through these challenges. Here are Alex and Todd’s responses.

AG: In terms of how what steps it take to support them I would say be patient, be kind, and remember that it’s not your fault and it may not always make sense, but just hang in there and really just be patient. What I wish I had realized earlier was that it’s, it’s not my fault. It, it, the anxiety had nothing to do with me or what I was doing. It was something that she was experiencing and nothing I would’ve done or could have done would’ve would’ve changed that.

TK: I think the two biggest things that helped Holly through her struggles were first identifying that she was
actually suffering from postpartum depression. We didn’t recognize this right away, and that created even more challenges, but once we did, that really helped normalize the situation versus having her feel badly about feeling badly.

I think the second was getting her help. It was a real turning point when Holly was able to work with a therapist who specialized in postpartum depression.

And Mike shared how they didn’t expect Caroline’s struggle and it left him feeling a bit helpless, particularly because Caroline was breastfeeding. I think a lot of partners will relate to this feeling. He offers valuable insights on how helping his wife get more sleep was crucial, and what lessons he learned about finding the best resources to help his family.

MV: Yeah, I mean this was a tough one. I think certainly it was something that we both didn’t expect. Like for me it was a real feeling of helplessness, seeing that Caroline was breastfeeding and things,there’s only so much I can, I was able to do in terms of feeding and getting up at night. But I think if we were kind of to do it over again, I think really focusing on sleep for for Caroline and certainly kind of whatever we have to do to kind of make that happen would be kind of a, a big change and, and kind of taking some of that burden off of that overall time.

We ended up getting a part-time kind of night nurse that that helped a little bit. Kind of different strategies to try and get Caroline some sleep. I run my own business, which also didn’t help the the case because I didn’t take too much time off or really any time off after Hunter was born or making sure that I was being able to be supportive during the day, especially when those days became long and kind of Hunter’s not sleeping or not taking naps, I think would’ve been some improvements.

I think in terms of spotting that, I mean, it, it’s hard because you don’t know what is normal after a, a kid is born, everything is new, everything is changing. You don’t know what to expect is like, hey, like, yeah, kids don’t sleep when they’re zero to three years old. Ha ha ha. Right. I think understanding how to take breaks, how do you sleep when they sleep or rest when they rest? That was something that would be a kind of good takeaway for us. It is finding what resources are are out there to help kind of strengthen those fundamental things of, of sleep and eating well, exercise.

I didn’t know about night nurses before this. So that was a big help just to take some stress off for a night or two a week. Having family around, things like that is always good. And, and also having someone not be afraid to kind of come in from a detached perspective and say, Hey, like this is a problem or this is a challenge. Like I, I see you guys trying to burn the candle on both ends, like take some breaks and things like that. So having someone that’s close in your life that’s not necessarily with you every day or see you every day is also good to have some outlets and perspective.

I mentioned earlier that when women have postpartum anxiety or depression, their partner is 50% more likely to also experience anxiety or depression. I asked Mike, Alex and Todd if they had struggled with depression or anxiety after the birth of their baby or babies, and I asked what help or support would’ve been most useful to them during that time. Alex, Todd and Mike were extremely open with what they were feeling during that period of their life.

AG: I didn’t really experience any anxiety or depression. I, I suppose I did feel some anxiety just off of the environment that we were living in. And, you know, juggling someone else’s anxiety can, can create anxiety. But I, I would say the overall experience, I didn’t really have much anxiety or depression.

TK: I was fortunate that I didn’t experience anything as significant as depression or severe anxiety, but it was certainly a really difficult time for me. I struggled at first to understand what was going on. And then how best to support Holly. I often felt frustrated because I didn’t seem to be able to help or hurt when Holly would get angry at, with me.

I think the biggest thing for me was first understanding what she was suffering from and then spending some time reading and learning about it. It wasn’t a silver bullet, but it gave me the context to better understand and support Holly.

MV: I think for me it wasn’t, I wouldn’t say that we had, that I had anxiety, depression. I think what I mostly felt was kind of a sense of helplessness seeing Caroline’s struggle. I think if there were any support for, for me, I mean, I, I don’t think that there was anything specific other than kind of going back to that, my mantra of kind of keeping it simple in terms of the making sure you kind of keep doing those, those fundamental healthy living lifestyle things.

So I think to the extent that if someone is having challenges, and don’t be afraid to share that, you know, with your spouse or significant other, whoever it may be or even just a friend that can, can listen for, for a bit or get you out of kind of the, the routine of eat, sleep with the, the baby that kind of seems to never end.

But I think the other thing that to keep in mind is like hopefully, I certainly can plug for Allison here is like, call Allison up, get your kind of work on the sleep. Kind of really prioritize that because I think it helps the, the whole family.

Well, thanks Mike for the shout out there. You know I’m in total agreement that sleep is crucial and sleep for the new mom is just as important as sleep for the baby. Sleep is the most effective and least expensive way for a mom to start to feel better. On that note, if you’re a new or expecting parent, I would strongly encourage you to listen to episode 15 where I share a strategy for helping new moms get four to five hours of uninterrupted sleep.

All right, so throughout many of their responses, the men shared that leaning on a support network is crucial. That was also definitely a reoccurring theme in the conversations I had last year with the women I interviewed on this topic. And I know that those of us in those support networks really do want to help in any way that we can.

It’s just so critically important that moms and dads are honest about the fact that they are struggling or they don’t know what to do, and that they share that with someone, whether it be their partner, another family member, a friend, their doctor, a lactation consultant, their sleep coach, their child’s pediatrician, there are a lot of people that you are connected to that could point you in the right direction. Once you’re able to share that you’re struggling or you’re just not sure what the next right step is, these people can help you find the resources you need.

I’m going to wrap up today with Todd’s thoughts on the role models in his life. I think we can all appreciate that a new mom’s support network is crucial, but I’m so glad that Todd shed a light on the importance of supportive friends and family in a new dad’s life as well.

TK: I think the thing that allowed me to overcome my early uncertainty was that I had a lot of great role models in my life and people I could go to for advice. I certainly used my own parents, but I had a lot of friends who had had kids be before me. And whether it was talking beforehand or even reaching out to them during this time, they were a real source of kind of comfort and and advice for me as I was trying to navigate all these new challenges.

I want to share a huge thank you to Alex, Mike and Todd for sharing such valuable insights. I know their willingness to open up on this somewhat touchy topic is going to help a lot of other parents. I really hope that you’ll share this episode with the new and expecting parents in your life. Sometimes hearing and relating to someone else’s experience can really help someone identify that they truly are struggling, and it can also give them hope that this will pass and they will be well. Again, this is a message that we cannot overshare.

As always, thanks for listening. Bye for now.