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If bedtime in your house is full of stalling, endless requests, or sudden separation anxiety, it may not be about sleep at all. It may be about connection.

In this episode, Allison explains how a small tweak to your language – and just 10–15 minutes of intentional one-on-one time each day – can dramatically reduce bedtime resistance and improve behavior throughout the day.

You’ll learn:
— Why attention is currency for young children
— How unmet connection needs show up as bedtime battles
— The three simple rules that make “special time” effective
— How to implement it realistically, even with a busy schedule
— Why naming and framing the time is what makes it stick

When children feel seen and register that their emotional cup has been filled, bedtime often gets easier, often without changing your routine at all.

If evenings have been feeling harder than they should, this episode offers a simple shift you can start today. Because sometimes bedtime resistance isn’t about sleep. It’s about connection.

Looking for expert guidance on your child’s sleep? Allison offers two free age-specific guides to help you discover how much sleep kids need to thrive—at any age. Get your free copy now: 0-2 Years Old or 3 to 10 years old

From baby sleep to toddler sleep, daycare naps to sleep training—How Long ’Til Bedtime? is the podcast for parents who want practical, guilt-free sleep tips they can actually use.

Hosted by pediatric sleep coach Allison Egidi, each episode delivers real solutions for every stage—from navigating newborn sleep struggles and weaning night feedings to helping your 3-year-old fall asleep independently (and stay asleep!). Whether you’re trying to make sense of daycare sleep patterns, craving your evenings back, or simply need a working mom podcast to keep you grounded, you’re in the right place.

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Scroll down for a full transcript of this episode.

229. Special Time: The Secret to Easier Bedtimes and Better Behavior
Allison Egidi: Before we dive in today, I just want to share some words of encouragement to any of you who have a picky eater or even an extremely picky eater. Last night, my younger daughter Ainsley, who is 11 and used to be an extremely picky eater as an infant, toddler and young child, asked me to make her one of my loaded salads.

I call them my nutrient dense salads. However, last night the girls also informed me that that is not an appealing name. Anyway, that’s besides the point. When she was younger, she was a child who would eat less than 12 things total. And that’s including condiments. This salad that I made last night included nearly a dozen vegetables and feta and olive oil and balsamic and after struggling with her eating for years and years and I’ll be honest spending a lot of time helping her learn to try new things it never gets old to see her continue to become a more and more adventurous eater. She’s someone who truly appreciates food at this point and understands what it does for her. So if you’re dealing with a picky eater or an extremely picky eater, I just want to encourage you not to give up. Find an expert to help you because a massive transformation is possible.

Okay, on to today’s episode where we are talking about how a small tweak to language you use and 10 or 15 minutes a day can make a massive difference when it comes to bedtime struggles. So let’s talk about special one-on-one time.

Hey there, Allison here. Welcome back to How Long ‘Til Bedtime. Today we’re talking about something that has the power to dramatically reduce bedtime resistance and honestly improve behavior struggles all day long. We’re talking about special one-on-one time with your child. Let me start by painting a picture. It’s bedtime. You’re in your child’s room. You’re focused. You’re not scrolling on your phone. You’re not answering emails. You’re not folding laundry. You’re not nursing the baby. You’re not half paying attention. You are there because it is time to get your little one to go to bed and your child notices.

Bedtime can often be the one time of the day when your child truly has your undivided attention. And what happens? I need one more hug, one more book. I’m thirsty. I forgot to tell you something. Can you lay with me? I don’t want you to leave. Sometimes kids resist bedtime, not because they aren’t tired, not because they are scared, but because they are enjoying having your full focused undivided attention all to themselves. And here’s the crazy part. They don’t care whether that attention is positive or negative. If you’re annoyed, if you’re frustrated, if you’re losing your patience, they are still getting your undivided attention. And to toddlers and young kids, attention is currency. And I find that this dynamic is especially present or I should say more likely to be present for older siblings who are watching a baby or younger sibling take some of the attention that they used to receive from their parents and for children who have two working parents, so they’re sharing their parents attention with a job.

So basically these kids are getting locked in on the fact that they’re sharing your attention with a sibling, work, our cell phones, and our just overall busy schedules that so many of us are navigating these days. And let me be clear, I am with you in this. This struggle is real. And I’m not accusing you of not spending focused quality time with your child. The problem is that there is a real possibility that your child is noticing the fact that they’re sharing your attention throughout the day, but they are not registering when you are present with them and pouring into them. That means even though you might be taking intentional time to pour into them, their cup doesn’t feel full.

But there is a trick to getting credit for that quality time. The trick is putting words around your special one-on-one time with your child. So what do I mean by special time? Special time is pretty simple, but there are a few rules around it. It can be short, but it needs to be this clearly defined window where your child is getting your undivided attention.

They need to know special time is starting. It is just for the two of you. You are fully present and gosh, when it’s done, you surely enjoyed it. That’s basically it. It can be 10 minutes, 15 minutes, 30 minutes, an hour. Ideally, it’s daily, but let’s be real, especially for working parents, just prioritizing doing it on the weekends can be incredibly impactful. And I promise you it still counts because I’ve been there and I’ve done this and it works.

But I want to be clear that three things need to happen. Number one, you announce the special time is starting. You can say something like, hey, I have 15 minutes before I need to start dinner. I’m going to set a timer so I don’t have to look at my phone. This is special mommy and Sam time. What should we do? Now their brain is going to register. mom wants to hang out with me and it’s just us. So it can be something simple doing a puzzle, playing with their blocks or their cars, coloring, magnetiles, playing restaurant or playing with dolls. Some kids really enjoy choosing the activity and they’re good about choosing something that’s reasonable, but you know your child. You can give choices or you can just plan it.

You could pick your child up at school and let them know that you’re going to take them out to lunch so that you’re having your special mommy and Sam time at lunch. Or you can say with this 15 minutes, I would love for us to, and then choose a few things that you know your child enjoys to do with you. Do a puzzle, play with your blocks, read a book. You could give some choices if you want to.

Okay, number two. You need to be completely present during special time. Put your phone down. I don’t want you to do any multitasking. No half listening to your child. No getting distracted by the dog, your spouse, or the baby. Which of course means if you have multiple children, someone else needs to be available to care for that baby, which means it can take a little bit of planning and thinking ahead because you are going to be fully in it for this special time, even if it’s just 10 or 15 minutes, because 15 minutes of full presence feels very different than an hour of your distracted presence.

Okay. Number three, you, close it out with words again. When that timer goes off or lunch comes to an end, you say something like, my gosh, I love having special mommy and Sam time and I can’t wait to do it again. Now their brain registers. Yep. Special time happened. I was seen. My parent enjoyed it and their cup starts to feel full. And when their cup feels full, bedtime very often gets easier. And so does other challenging behavior because they’re not acting out to get your attention because you already gave it to them. And because you pointed it out at the beginning, at the end, they registered that you gave it to them.

Let me give you a real story, one that I love from a family I worked with several years ago. I worked with this family who had recently welcomed a second baby. Mom stayed home with both the kids during the day. Dad worked outside of the home. So during the day when it was just mom and the kids, things were fine. But the minute the dad walked in the door, their older son would totally crumble. He was acting out, he was having meltdowns and they were dealing with huge bedtime battles. I knew this little guy needed special time with dad specifically, but dad’s time was very limited because of his work schedule. So when we walked through their day from waking up to going to bed, I found what I thought would be the perfect solution. Dad was consistently on his own with his son feeding him breakfast every morning. So each morning while mom was up nursing the baby and kind of getting herself together, dad would take big brother downstairs and feed him breakfast. So we just made one small tweak. I had dad start saying, this is our special time together. It’s just you and me eating breakfast. And I love doing this time with you. I guess I made two tweaks. The other thing I had him do was sit with him. Even if he didn’t eat breakfast, I had him sit at the table. So they chatted and he was fully present while his son ate breakfast. And then when breakfast was done, he would just say, I loved our special breakfast together and I can’t wait to do it again tomorrow. I kid you not, you guys, within three days, his behavior started to significantly improve when dad came home from work and the bedtime improved. And that’s without changing anything else just yet. Just framing special time. Sometimes you don’t need more time or to find a new pocket. You just need to put words around the time that you might already be spending with your child.

Another important thing to consider when it comes to special time is that some kids need special time more from one parent than the other. In our house, my oldest has always needed it more from me than she needs it from her dad. We figured that out when she was about three years old. She loves her dad. In fact, I would argue he’s generally her parent of preference, but she needs her cup filled very intentionally when it comes to me. And I say intentionally because there have been many times where I have spent one-on-one focused time on her. And then I realized later she did not register it because of something she says after the fact. And so still to this day, I need to point out when it’s just the two of us spending time together. So being intentional really matters with some kids and recognizing how this benefits her has been an incredibly powerful parenting tool over the last decade.

So, ideally, both parents do special time with every child that they have. But if bedtime resistance or acting out behavior is happening mostly with one parent, that’s a clue that they may need more intentional time from that parent. But test it out with both parents and see what you notice.

I also want to note that this isn’t just for struggling families. I recommend this even if things are going well. Special time strengthens connection. It builds security, creates fun memories. And as kids get older, it might look like a coffee date, a lunch date, a walk, running errands together. So it will evolve. Ours evolved into dates. When they were little, I called it special time. And now I’m more often calling it a date.

Even with those older kids, you have to name it and point out that it’s just the two of you. When I say to one of my girls that we’re going to have special time together or we’re going on a date, just the two of us, I can literally see my child’s face change and their whole energy will shift. The whole experience just lands differently.

So to wrap things up, If bedtime is full of never ending stall tactics, if it’s endless requests for extras, or your child seems to be having separation anxiety when they know it’s nearing the time that you should be leaving their room so they can go to bed, think back to when you last spent special one-on-one time with your child and put the words around it. Because sometimes, bedtime resistance isn’t about sleep at all. It’s about connection and a small pocket of intentional time earlier in the day can completely transform your evening.

If this episode was helpful, please share it with a friend who has been complaining about the bedtime struggles in their house. And as always, thanks for listening. Bye for now.