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Many parents use bedtime mantras to help their child feel calm and secure at night. In theory, it’s a beautiful idea—predictable, soothing language meant to support rest. But what if the words we’re using are actually doing the opposite?

In this episode, Allison explores a bedtime phrase that’s become incredibly common—“you are safe”—and explains why, for some children, especially sensitive or anxious ones, this well-intentioned mantra can unintentionally increase bedtime worry.

Allison breaks down how a child’s brain processes language at bedtime, why timing and repetition matter, and how certain phrases can shift the brain into “monitoring mode” instead of rest mode. She also shares a personal story that illustrates when reassurance is necessary—and when it’s better to let the brain settle without added prompts.

You’ll learn:
— Why some bedtime mantras can increase anxiety instead of reducing it
— How a child’s brain interprets language right before sleep
— When reassurance about safety is helpful—and when it isn’t
— Simple, comforting alternatives to common bedtime phrases
— How small language shifts can make a big difference at bedtime

If bedtime has started to feel harder, or your child seems more anxious at night despite a consistent routine, this episode offers a gentle, practical reframe that may help sleep feel easier again.

Looking for expert guidance on your child’s sleep? Allison offers two free age-specific guides to help you discover how much sleep kids need to thrive—at any age. Get your free copy now: 0-2 Years Old or 3 to 10 years old

From baby sleep to toddler sleep, daycare naps to sleep training—How Long ’Til Bedtime? is the podcast for parents who want practical, guilt-free sleep tips they can actually use.

Hosted by pediatric sleep coach Allison Egidi, each episode delivers real solutions for every stage—from navigating newborn sleep struggles and weaning night feedings to helping your 3-year-old fall asleep independently (and stay asleep!). Whether you’re trying to make sense of daycare sleep patterns, craving your evenings back, or simply need a working mom podcast to keep you grounded, you’re in the right place.

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Scroll down for a full transcript of this episode.

225. Rethinking Bedtime Mantras: When “You Are Safe” Backfires
Allison Egidi: Before we dive in today, can we just take a second to talk about the mess that is the South when it comes to snow and ice? I am rushing here on a Friday late afternoon to record this episode because we are going to be hit by a snow slash ice storm here in Charlottesville, Virginia.

And I literally have one weather app on my phone that says we will be getting three to five inches of snow and then ice. And the other weather app on my phone says 16 to 20 inches of snow and then ice. Three inches, 20 inches, just a little bit of a difference. Of course the ice is the biggest factor. What the what? This is supposed to be happening on Sunday and you know you are in an area that does not know how to manage snow and ice when they prep the roads on Thursday because that’s what happened yesterday. They prepped all the roads yesterday. I’ve seen nothing done today on Friday. I mean, what a waste because it is literally going to be gone by the time the storm arrives on Sunday.

And as someone who grew up in the Midwest with a lot of snow, I just have to shake my head. A few years back here in this area, we had one of these crazy storms and our specific neighborhood went over a week without power with tons of ice and snow on the ground. So was very cold and it was a hot mess express.

Did I learn my lesson and get a generator? No, I did not. So I’m assuming that we will lose power again. And the good news is I will have this episode ready to go out to you if we go a whole week without power, because that’s where this episode will come out. And maybe this will be the time that I learn my lesson and I get the backup generator. So anyhow, by the time you’re hearing this episode, either we will be laughing about how the weather cannot be forecasted and everyone overreacted by cleaning out all of our grocery stores, or we will still be without power. That’s what I’m guessing will be the case.

Okay, well on to today’s episode. Today I’m going to talk about how sometimes our bedtime mantras can actually unintentionally make children more nervous or anxious around bedtime. And I’m going to share my advice for a mantra that truly can be comforting. If you have a toddler or young child and you have a bedtime mantra that you use with them, or you’ve been thinking about introducing one, this episode is for you.

Hey there, Allison here and welcome back to How Long ‘Til Bedtime. Over the last few months, I’ve noticed a pattern coming up again and again with the families I’m working with, especially with parents of toddlers and young children. Many parents have added a bedtime mantra to their child’s bedtime or nighttime routine. And in theory, I really like this idea. Mantras can be predictable, calming, and grounding. I use them myself. And technically speaking, that’s exactly what we would want at bedtime. But there’s one specific phrase that keeps popping up, and I want to talk about whether it might actually be having the opposite effect from what parents are intending. And that phrase is, you are safe.

So today we’re going to talk about whether it might be time to change your bedtime mantra and how small shifts in language can have a big impact on bedtime anxiety. I’m not exactly sure where this you are safe mantra recommendation originated, whether it came from social media, parenting books, or advice that’s just been passed around parent to parent, but I truly feel like it’s everywhere right now. And I want to be clear, I know that parents who are using the you are safe phrase as part of their mantra are doing it from a place of love and care. They want their child to know that they can feel secure, calm, and they want them to be reassured. The issue is not the intention. The intention is clearly good. It’s really the timing of this mantra and the repetitive nature when it’s possibly not needed.

So let’s picture a typical bedtime moment. You’ve tucked your child in, you’ve turned out the lights, you’re about to leave their bedroom, and right before you go, you say, good night, I love you, you’re safe, I’ll see you in the morning. But here’s the question I want you to ask yourself or to contemplate. What do you think your child’s thinking about now? Because when you suddenly remind someone that they are safe, you may be unintentionally planting a new thought. Wait, am I safe? Why do they need to tell me that? Is there reason for me to believe I’m not safe here. And before that moment, your child may have been perfectly content, but now right as their brain needs to be settling down, they’re now thinking about safety or worse, they’re possibly thinking about danger or not being safe.

For sensitive or anxious kids, especially this can flip the brain from that resting mode into monitoring mode. Now let me be clear. If your child is telling you that they’re scared, if they’re saying that they’re worried or nervous, if they’re expressing fear, then yes, absolutely reassure them. You can at that point, let them know that you are safe in your room, mom or dad are always nearby. I’ll come back to check in on you in five minutes. That reassurance is appropriate and I would argue necessary when fear is present. But what I don’t recommend is bringing up safety every single night when your child probably isn’t worried because repetition is going to make it a focal point around this time of day.

And before you’re tempted to think, but what if something actually happens that is scary or something scary did happen? Let me share a real life example that my family had to navigate. Back in August, something really traumatic happened in our neighborhood. A house four doors up from ours literally exploded. 6 PM on a Tuesday. Nothing was left, just rubble and a neighbor was killed. The homeowners were out of town and from what we were told after the fact, it was a gas explosion likely caused by a lightning strike. And then when neighbors went to check on the house, it exploded. As you can imagine, that shook all of us, my kids and me. I was truly shook. Suddenly, safety was something that we were thinking about in a way that I think it’s safe to say none of us have ever thought about before. As I told my therapist, it was the first time in my life where my home did not feel like my safe place, which was very unsettling.

For a couple of nights after we all slept in the same bed, all piled into my bed. And honestly, that felt like the right thing to do for all of us. I needed some time to understand what had happened and to figure out how to make sure that nothing like that could happen in our home and that we truly were safe. But what I didn’t do during all of that is overshare too much detail or fuel the kind of concern by always saying, we are safe. I didn’t give the kids information that I didn’t think they were emotionally ready to handle. But what I did do was give them enough truth so that they knew they could trust me and to restore a sense of control and that feeling of safety. I let them know that two structural engineers were coming to inspect our home. I explained that gas had built up in that home and the owners didn’t know it because they were out of town. I told them this is a highly unusual situation for a home to literally blow up. But I also told them what I was doing to make sure that this couldn’t happen to us. And the main thing there is we installed new gas detectors on every floor in our house. And I showed them where these new gas detectors are located and I explained how they can work. You can see the digital readings on them and I explained how gas has a smell and so if the homeowners had been home they would have smelled it and been able to exit and that if we ever smell gas we will obviously exit immediately and I focused on what we could control to help us all feel safe and comfortable in our own home.

And once I felt confident that we had taken those steps and I could provide some reassurance to them that was real and concrete, I moved everyone back into their own beds in their own rooms and we returned to our absolutely normal routines. And as I did that, I told them how great it was going to feel for them to sleep in their own bed in their comfy, cozy beds where they would get so much great sleep.

And the truth is for a little while, my youngest would ask at bedtime, the gas detectors are plugged in, right? And then I would cheerfully reply, you know it girl, they always are. And after a bit, she stopped asking. And there’s this one other moment that kind of stuck with me a bit when one night, I want to say we were probably two months out, our power went out while we were all sleeping. And when it came back on at 5 a.m., the gas monitors started talking as they reset. So you could hear the woman’s voice talking. And it woke her up and she quickly came to my room to ask what was going on. And I just explained that the monitors were resetting after the power had gone out and I reassured her that if there were ever a real alarm that I would come get her right away. And that was enough.

Now these days I do sometimes notice her glance at the monitor at the top of the stairs as we head up to bed. And I don’t say anything because honestly, I find comfort sometimes in checking that monitor and that’s okay. What I don’t do is remind her every single night that she is safe. Because I can assure you, if I were doing that, she would be far more anxious because she’d be thinking whether or not our home could possibly explode as she’s trying to fall asleep. She’s not thinking about that every single night. Yes, there are times where it clearly crosses her mind and she’s checking that monitor or maybe she’d ask me for a reassurance that it’s plugged in, but she’s not thinking about it every night. So I don’t want to keep bringing that thought process up. So I just provide reassurance when it’s needed and then I allow her calm and peace when she’s not worried.

And this is exactly why I’m so thoughtful with the families I work with about the bedtime language and mantras they’re using. Bedtime is about helping the brain stand down, take a break, not stay on high alert. Safety reassurance absolutely has its place. But when it’s offered routinely, instead of responsively, responsively, is that a word? Hopefully. It can keep a child’s brain on watch or in that high alert state.

So let’s talk about some simple changes. Instead of saying something like, good night, I love you, you are safe, I’ll see you in the morning, try, good night, I love you, I hope you get an amazing night of sleep, and I’ll see you in the morning. And some families I work with have given their children a mantra for them to repeat after the parents have left the room. So there’s a mantra when they’re leaving and then they have a mantra that the parents want them to use either bedtime or when they wake up in the middle of the night. So it could be something like, it’s time to sleep. I am safe. I should just close my eyes. I often hear that children are encouraged to use mantras like that, but instead you could try something like, it’s going to feel good to sleep. I can just lay here and rest, and sleep will come. These shifts keep the focus on comfort, rest, and letting go, not vigilance.

If bedtime has started to feel harder, if your child seems more worried at night despite having a mantra about being safe, it may be worth taking a step back and looking at the words that you’re using right before bedtime. Sometimes the solution isn’t a new approach to sleep or a new strategy. It’s just a small tweak of the language we’re using.

I hope you found this episode helpful. If you know a fellow parent who has an anxious child at bedtime, please share this episode with them. Or if you think it’ll help parents you know, take a screenshot and share it on your Instagram stories because that will help us get these really important episodes out to more families.

Thanks so much for listening and I will see you back here next week. Bye for now.