Bedtime Battles and the Bedtime Pass

Bedtime battles are exhausting and in the heat of the moment it can be hard to see your way out. For many families, the bedtime pass is the ticket off the bedtime roller coaster. Affiliate links included below.

bedtime passIf you have a preschooler or kindergartner, chances are your child has given you a lesson or two in the art of bedtime resistance. Oh sure, you start the evening with a lovely bedtime routine in mind and then 1 more book, 2 more songs, another potty break, one last drink of water, and 3 more kisses later, you’re leaving the room. Psych! Your little one is asking demanding you to lay with them until they fall asleep.

When bedtime resistance spirals out of control, it’s time for a “reset.” The reality is that these little ladies and gents are pretty stinkin’ smart and they will take what they can get. They seek power and control, yet actually feel out-of-control when they are running the show. Depending on what type of nighttime sleep struggles you’re dealing with, there are a few ways to hit the reset button with this age group. If the primary struggle is bedtime resistance and there is persistent stalling and attempts to keep mom or dad from leaving the room, I am a fan of using the bedtime pass.

The Bedtime Pass

It’s pretty simple. Design a bedtime pass on a 5×7 index card. If you’re exhausted and don’t feel like doing one more crafty thing, print out the bedtime pass I’ve designed for you. You can glue it to an index card or even cut out a piece of one of the Amazon boxes you receive from time-to-time daily and glue it on there.

Click here to get your bedtime pass.

The day you plan to start using the bedtime pass, sit down with your child to discuss how this cool new pass works. This is you hitting the reset button. Don’t have this discussion at bedtime because it’s far more likely your child will attempt negotiations then – at this point, they know it’s one of your weakest hours. Explain to your child that this pass is good for one more visit from mom or dad. Be clear about what that means by letting them know that starting tonight you are going to stick to your bedtime routine (i.e. 2 books, 1 song, 2 minutes of cuddling, and a kiss) and then you are going to leave the room. BUT, GOOD NEWS, with this bedtime pass, your child can ask you to come back for one more… song, hug and a kiss, 5 minutes of cuddling, etc. (you choose what your child will value most).

It’s important to be very clear about what they get with the bedtime pass. One of the most common bedtime issues parents contact me about is their child wanting them to lay in bed with them until they fall asleep. In that situation, I have the parents say the pass is good for 5 extra minutes of cuddling. This is you giving your child the power to get you back in the room and control over when they use the pass, but this is also the moment when you’re putting yourself back in charge. At any point during the night (this may be only 30 seconds after you leave), your child can use their bedtime pass and ask you to come back to cuddle for 5 more minutes. Important side note: I recommend using a timer to avoid time disputes.

You’ll stay for your 5 minutes of cuddling and then leave the room. Make sure you explain to your child that after they use their pass, it’s their job to stay in their bed and sleep. Let them know that they shouldn’t leave their room and that you won’t come back in if they call out. If you don’t have a toddler clock, I recommend introducing one now so they know to stay in their room until the clock changes. You can find my toddler clock tips here. After you’ve given your little one the new bedtime pass and discussed how it will work, it’s time for you to follow through, follow through, follow through.

Recap and Things to Remember:

  • Design or download the bedtime pass.
  • Have a discussion with your child about the bedtime pass and how the bedtime routine is going to work starting that night. I don’t want there to be any surprises or need to explain how things will work after you’ve already started the bedtime routine, so be very detailed and clear.
  • Be upbeat (presentation is everything with this age and this shouldn’t come off as a punishment), but firm – no negotiating.
  • When your child calls for you to use the bedtime pass, bring a positive attitude – remember that using the pass is within the rules.
  • Follow through. You’ve given them control to use the bedtime pass and your follow through on not continuing to lay with them beyond the extra 5 minutes will give you back control of bedtime. This may be met with some testing and resistance, but ultimately you will be giving your child confidence that they can fall asleep on their own.

Download your bedtime pass here!

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